Most of the time the days flick by in a blur of work, supermarket, dinner, dishes, washing. Some stuff goes well and other stuff doesn’t. And then there are those times shit hits fan and lands in every direction. I’m having that time right now. When I think of all that’s happened, I bust out into inappropriate giggles because it feels like it should be a joke. Honest to god, it’s been shit. I about to tell you the crappy stuff that’s been my life lately….
There’s the obvious cat situation, Doris being unwell and then needing to be put down. The worst. I feel like I’ll never feel better about it. Then we adopted Jean-Luc and about a week or so later, Mr Pyjamas (Jarms) started coughing. We took him to the vet and he needed antibiotics for cat flu. We were sent home with worming and flea medications for both boys. Vet visits are terrifying, just getting a cat there is horrible and you feel so mean. Mr Ask and I were super stressed over it all. Of course between the vet for Doris (and her cremation and urn) and Jean-Luc’s adoption fees and Jarms’s vet visit & antibiotics and worm meds for both boys we spent $1,100. We love them and regret nothing but it’s a hit to the (already sad) budget.
Which brings me to making money. I recently picked up a freelance client but haven’t been able to get my much done. There have been cat based stresses and some family stuff that has kept me running ragged. It’s not easy to write in someone else’s tone when you feel more lead weight than light and airy. Mr Ask has had a really hard time at work. A few disappointments and some highly stressful days. And some setbacks that have made him feel like chucking it all in. We have each other’s best interests at heart but when we are both emotionally messy we tend to have stupid fights about stupid things. We do support each other but in times like this, the sentiment gets lost in the fray of surviving. I think it’s true for a lot of relationships. 
To top that pile of merd off. We have a sprinkling of enforced spending, we had to get a plumber to fix our kitchen sink. If you’ve ever washed up in the bath you’ll understand the full inconvenience. Of course that was $115 of home maintenance fun. And the washing machine is on the out, I think I’ve got less than 10 loads before its toast. My poor neighbours must be sick of it squealing and clunking. Our home is a flat built in 1966 and the bathroom was never meant to be a laundry. Clothes get stolen from the line and drying inside on a rack is impossible when your cats pull it down faster than you can put it up. Which means that we will need to buy what we have now, an all in one washer dryer combination. For about $1500. I’ve always felt that money comes and money goes. We recently reached a savings goal and that’s why it stings to take several hits in a row.
So you see that we are on our last nerves! We have it all. The sleepless nights that somehow come with nightmares, intermittent tears and manic laughter, that high alert anxiety that never dulls down and the desire to run away from life. Coping in this place is tough work but we are.
I wanted to share because I’ve spent years developing coping strategies that work. One of the side benefits of being bipolar is that I’ve spent a lot of time trying to just manage. I’ve seen therapists, tried strategies and reflected on my own processes. I’m not trained in this stuff but I have lived it. The advice often given is a bit fluffy, taking a warm bath is not going to fix it. Although, it might feel nice. You really have to put a bunch of strategies together. Here’s what I do when I just don’t know what to do.
Talk To A Doctor And Take Your Meds
I really mean this point. Whether you have a diagnosed issue or not, talking to a GP is an awesome thing to do. Why? When life is hard you need a safe and impartial place to speak about what you are feeling. They can make some assessments and point you in the direction of service or medications that can help. Also, they can help you identify health issues like depression and mental illness. If you already have a set of professional helpers like me with my lovely psychiatrist, make that appointment and have a chat. Please don’t feel like you are whinging or failing or being less than because you seek support and an avenues where you can safely discuss your feelings. If you are prescribed meds, take them. Antidepressants will probably make you feel strange for the first two weeks or more and you won’t really get any effects until you’ve been on them a good four weeks. You didn’t get to this place in a day, don’t expect instant relief. And if you are already on meds, keep taking them and check the dose with your doc.
Talk to Support People
A good vent (and maybe a good cry) is really important. Sometimes things can get out of perspective when they are just rattling around in your head. Talking things though can help you see things in a different light. Sometimes your support people will be going through similar stuff, like my husband in my scenario. Or perhaps you are going through work issues and are talking with co-workers. In which case it’s important that you allow them a chance to talk too. They may be experiencing things differently, maybe being optimistic where you only see despair. I often prefer to vent with someone outside the situation first. The Bestie usually cops that! I do let her know that I am calling to vent, so she can allow the time and headspace for it. Once I’ve vomited the whole thing out, I’m in a better place to talk with those inside the situation. If you don’t have a trusted confidant or feel uneasy about talking to a friend, call a counselor or book a long GP appointment. It’s important that you express how you feel.
Readjust Your Priorities
This will be different for everyone but try and shift some of the weight. For me I try to schedule some blog posts in advance, so I don’t have to think about it. I also, move any deadlines that I can to give myself some breathing space. Maybe you might need some sick leave or you might ask for some help around the house. Yep, I’m 36 and my Mum will come and do my dishes and tidy up for me when I am in a bad way. It is so appreciated and really helps me to feel more settled. Maybe someone can take care of the kids so that you can catch upon whatever helps – laundry, a good book or simply sleep. Accept the help, this is no time to be a hero. Try to remove as much stress as you can without creating future stresses.
Actively do what you can to fix any underlying problems. If money is the issue, talk to creditors, make a budget and think of what you can do to ease the situation in both the short and long term. And trust me, I know what it’s like to have seemingly insurmountable money issues. If you don’t know where to start, try a financial counsellor. They help you to budget and will negotiate debts on your behalf. It’s a free service too.
Identify The Feeling, Allow it & Move on
It can be easy to get into a negative thinking loop, especially if you are grieving. I have found that the best way to manage is to identify what you are feeling. Work out what you are feeling and name it. Is it? Loss, depression, anger, hurt, despair, frustration, fear, jealousy, sadness or overwhelmed. Allow the feeling to stay for a moment, really feel it and then pack it away. Think of anything that helps you to push that negative thought out. It can help to think of something pleasant. When the thought comes back or another version pops up, simply repeat. Don’t allow the negative thoughts to move in permanently but allow them to come and pass. Over time, the frequency will reduce. Which brings me to….
Distractions
When the negative thoughts are persistent, sometimes the best thing is distraction. Sometimes I can’t come at paying attention but I want something to focus on. That’s when rerun tv, crappy novels and frivolous YouTubes become life sustaining. But do whatever works for you. Some suggestions are – catching up with friends, knitting, tv, books, movies, sewing, exercise. I tend to avoid music because it makes me emotional and I avoid shopping because I feel like I make silly choices. I do add things to online shopping carts but will not check out until 24hrs have passed.
Don’t Get Insular But Unplug
As much as you may want to disagree, you need people right now. I know how easy it is to hide away and that can feel so safe. But when you do that, you cut yourself off from support that is really valuable. Not to mention the stress your loved ones feel when they are out of your loop. Sometimes I can’t bear to talk to anyone or go anywhere. But if I haven’t left the house that day, I just go and put petrol in the car or go to the supermarket or hit the drive through. It always feels so hard but I always feel so much better for leaving the house. Bonus points if I said Hi or made small talk with the person that served me. That said, this is a good time to pull back on social media. We all know people are posting their best moments and shining them up with filters. But when you feel crap, it can feel like the world is out to get you. That everyone has an amazing life, full of fun and success, while you are failing at everything. Take a break and focus on doing things in real life.
Self-Care & Sleep
This is not a time to neglect yourself. Sure, shower regularly and get dressed and all that but do some nice self-care. I always feel like I am climbing a mountain but when I get showered, wash my hair, shave my legs, clip my toenails, moisturize from head to toe, break out my fancier face stuff, put on clean PJ’s and some lip balm, I feel sooooo much better. I spray a nice room spray or light a scented candle, set the house to mood lighting. Fling some frozen food in the oven and feel like I’ve achieved. Whatever those self-care things are, get into them. You need to look after you.
Sleep and a sleep routine, is key. I know sleep can be hard to come by when your mind is racing. Start by setting a bed time and a wake time and try to stick to it. If night time is scary (it is for me) try a night light. Or do as I do and queue up old episodes of the Simpsons (because I’ve seen them all and I won’t bother to watch them) and turn the TV brightness and volume down really low. If you really struggle, try over the counter sleep aids or speak to your GP. Sleep is your brains down time and a screwy sleep schedule will mess you up. Do your best to get into a rhythm.
Form A Team With The Other Players
When I am down and my husband is feeling okay, life is pretty smooth. And vice versa. But if we are both feeling crap, we fight. Stupid fights about stupid stuff. When we get down to a proper argument, the cause of our problems is that we try and spare each other. It is crazy defeating and very hurtful all round. We need a reminder that we are actually playing on the same team. The same goes for other relationships too, like mother/daughter and sisters. Check in with the other people going through this or who are close with you and form a team. Make a plan about how you interact and what works and what everyone needs. A bad time doesn’t have to mean friction in relationships!
Do The Little Things That Make Life Easier
I like to plan little surprises for future me. Be that dishes done, bed made or dessert in the supermarket. Treat yourself a little. Consider your budget and situation – no point buying a chocolate bar when you are down about your weight or a new skirt when bills are getting you down. But treat yourself. I like to clear off a job or make myself nice food or burn a nice candle. Sure, it seems fluffy but it does help.
Make A Daily Milestone Plan
Getting your shit together can seem impossible. I like to take it small and make a daily to do list. Simple but I break it down further than that. First, I list the must do’s, then a stretch goal and a super goal. For me it might look like:
- Coffee & get dressed
- Dishes
- Feed cats
- Post blog
- Return emails
- Write new blog
- Take photos
- Test recipe
- Recipe write up
Breaking things down this way allows me to get things done and not feel overwhelmed. I feel committed but not pressured. I highly recommend it.
So now you realize that even though my life looks pretty fun, some deep rivers of shit run underneath it. Because everyone has bad times and crappy situations. I’ve battled through a lot and spent a huge amount of time refining my coping strategies. I hope that you feel normal and have found some useful things to help you keep plugging on. If you really are having a hard time, I urge you to speak to your GP or seek help. I’ve left some handy links below. Feel good and take care xxx
AUSTRALIAN RESOURCES
Find a financial counsellor – Financial Counsellors Australia
Immediate counselling support – Beyond Blue 24/7 Phone Line OR Online Chat OR Email assist
Find a professional – Beyond Blue
Online service and e-programs – Mind Health Connect
How to talk to someone about their mental health – Mind Health Connect
Crisis support and suicide prevention – Lifeline OR call 13 11 14
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